August 3, 2015

Being Vulnerable

I want to be bold: unapologetically proud of my imperfections and fearless in life.

Of any struggle, this has been my biggest. For as long I can remember, I’ve been afraid of what people think. Nearly every decision in my life has been made either to please other people or to prove myself to those around me. Of course there have been a few decisions in my life that I know in my heart I’ve made solely for myself (becoming a wedding photographer was one of them) … and not-surprisingly these are the decisions I’m happiest with.

Last week while riding in my car I put on a podcast from another wedding photographer. As I listened to her speak I realized how incredibly different we are. Sure, I could relate to her ambition and her competitive nature but her confidence: that’s what I lack.

From the outside looking in, I’ve had people tell me things like,”Gosh, you sure do have it all together.”

I’m a perfectionist by nature but the reality is I most definitely do not “have it all together”. Does anyone?  The list of mistakes I’ve made as both a person and an entrepreneur are endless.

Recently, I posted photos of my new house keys! What I didn’t post was the disaster of a move that took from 9AM to 6AM the following morning. And how often have I posted about the good…but left out the sadness or stress that I was facing.

I think SO much about what I put on social media primarily because of what others may think. Social media has been a HUGE topic of discussion for me over the past few months. And sometimes, I feel like the “online me” is separate person. But I’m working toward being more real…and more proud (even of the parts of me that aren’t so great).

As outgoing as I am, I’m very introverted as well. But I ultimately decided that I CAN’T be alone in this. Does anyone else ever feel like they’re only allowing others to see the best version of themselves? And am I the ONLY person who feels like I’m always comparing myself?

*When admiring photographers I look up to: When will I be that good?

*When I see photos of people who’s lives look “better” than mine: Why can’t I have their life and their world? Why can’t I be more like them and less like me?

…And the list goes on.

Last month I deleted FB off of my phone almost 10 times before I realized how much time and thought social media is occupying. I’m spending entirely too much time watching what everyone else is doing…and not enough time focusing on myself. So in a few moments I’m going to push the publish button on this post. And when I do, I am going to promise myself that this is the start of something new. Something scary and fearless and awesome.

Here I go……………….